A guide to conservative passive-aggressive resistance

Last year, I had to go to an IRS office.  I was subjected to a humiliating pat down for weapons.  It was uncomfortable, invasive, and intimidating.

The guard wouldn’t just pat me down, either.  He had to announce the nature of each pat before he did it…which further irritated me.  After all that, the office couldn’t even handle my trust and estate tax questions.

Never again.  If I ever have to visit that IRS office again, I’m putting on a dress (not shaving anything), slapping lipstick on my teeth, putting on a blue wig…and arriving like Jim Carrey in Vera DeMilo drag.  “Hi, big boy, I’m ready for my pat-down now!” 

If I’m going to be made uncomfortable with a pat-down, everybody will be uncomfortable.  And if they complain, I will scream “transphobia” at the top of my lungs.

The Democrats want speed governors on cars.  Fine — all Republicans need to start driving the exact posted speed limit…at all times.  If being on time is “white supremacy” and 45% of the population starts to drive the exact speed limit all the time, it shouldn’t be a problem, right?

But as someone who’s driven in large liberal cities, I can tell you that Democrats seem to be late for everything.  Simply driving the speed limit is a much more effective protest than gluing yourself to the pavement…and it can’t be targeted by law enforcement.

Yes, driving the speed limit in Atlanta or Indianapolis is dangerous.  But when you get rear-ended, the wreck is automatically the other guy’s fault, and you already can sing the accident injury attorney’s phone number.

Better yet, get a “Biden” bumper sticker on a magnet strip to slap on your bumper while driving the speed limit in a liberal city.  Make sure Democrats always get the blame for your annoying behavior.

Pronouns provide the perfect ground for passive-aggressive resistance.  If you see someone wearing a pronoun pin, use his pronouns, both of them.  Examples: Hi hershe, how are you today?”  “Good morning, hehim, could you please give me directions?”  “Okay, theythem, I’m going to need to speak to your supervisor.”

If theythem tries to correct you — “No, it’s they OR them” — apologize, “Oh, I’m sorry theyORthem, I didn’t mean to offend theyORthemself.” 

When asked your pronouns, make your political positions into your gender identity.  Tell them you self-identify as TransCisTrumpGender, and your pronouns are “ILoveTrump/TrumpisAwesome.”  Do this in government offices or a college class for extra fun.

If they call you white, hold a sheet of paper next to your skin and say “Are my arm and this paper the same color?  No.  The paper is white.  I am harvest peach!”

Resistance is dressing like a liberal and going to a public meeting, and using your two minutes to deliver a word salad about how the board should address the marginalization of Corsican brine shrimp in the Yangtze River or something equally irrelevant.  And really go heavy with the word salad: use your public comment time to pack in as many Democrat buzzwords as possible.  Take all your friends.  Make a night of it.  Crash the city council meeting and serve up a full half-hour of word salad, two minutes at a time.

In other words, waste their time, energy, and money.  If you can’t vote them out, waste their time with things they said were important.

Take a gender studies class at the local college, and flood their diversity office with complaints about how your transcistrumpgenderness isn’t being catered to enough.

If your kid’s school installs litter boxes, go to the parent teacher meeting, and use the litter box.  Do a number 2, and eat at McDonald’s for a few meals beforehand.

If your kid’s school board is considering installing litter boxes, dress like a cat and go to the meeting.  During the meeting, go up to the board’s table and knock something off it, and then look at them with a blank stare.  Then knock something else off the table.

Make sure to meow loudly all the way to the police station.

Ask the Starbucks barista for certification that the coffee you are about to consume was grown ethically.  Ask that at the drive-thru.

Get a job working for Klaus Schwab, and make a mess of the break room microwave by warming up a Tupperware container full of grasshoppers.

Stop saying “abortion,” and start calling it “sacrificing unborn babies to Molech.”  But don’t pray outside their sacrifice centers unless you have eleven extra years to spend in prison.

Don’t grab a flag and go to Washington or Texas, either.  Nothing to be gained by that.

There’s a million ways to resist, passive-aggressively or slightly less passive-aggressively, the elderly globalists and their communist youth.  All of them can be done by doing exactly what they want you to do…maybe a little too much.

Image: Kevin Payravi via Wikimedia Commons, CC BY-SA 3.0 (cropped).