Kansai: The Japanese region that makes you feel like a time-travelling Dr Who

One day we’re washing down dried squid with sake as our scenic cruise boat snakes its way through Osaka’s gritty underbelly to the B-grade horror movie set of a district where people famously eat themselves bankrupt.

The next we’re meandering along the moat of a 16th century castle destroyed after the samurai uncle of the man who built it heard he was plotting a coup.

On a first-time visit to Japan, I am continually struck by the country’s ability to make you feel like a time traveller who’s forever being surprised.

On a whirlwind four-day tour of the Kansai region, the birthplace of much of modern-day Japanese culture, our group of three Kiwi women goes from queueing for takoyaki (octopus dumplings dolloped with mayo and unami-heavy takoyaki sauce) on a street adorned with giant mechanical sea creatures to staying in a centuries-old temple which once housed monks said to perform secret rituals such as hanging off cliffs in the surrounding mountains.

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Nara Prefecture locals’ taste for a funky fish dish that is the precursor to modern sushi and a robot dancing the flamenco in a knife museum are just a couple of the things that have us laughingly scratching our heads along the way.

Arriving in Tokyo on a Sunday night, we spend a night at the luxe new Mesm hotel, drinking in the views of waterfront skyscrapers glittering like a geisha’s jewellery box, before catching a bullet train to Osaka, delighting at the station staff bowing at departing trains and full-frontal views of Mt Fuji.

The third-largest city in Japan after Tokyo and Yokohama, Osaka, our Japanese guide tells us, likes to think of itself as the most fun.

Less conservative than other parts of the country, it’s known for its prodigious appetite for eating, drinking and generally having a good time. Osakans are so food-obsessed they have a word to describe it – kuidaore (to eat oneself bankrupt).

We give the Osakans a good run for their money on that front, picking up some fresh tuna at the Tsuruhashi Fish Market en route to the tiny townhouse where a local woman does her best to teach us to make sushi.

It takes up to 10 years to become an itamae (sushi master) so we are given a head start with plastic containers to shape the pre-cooked rice.

All we have to do after popping out the small slabs of rice is wrap a piece of seaweed around them and stick some raw tuna, salmon, avocado or fish roe on top.

Somehow we struggle to master even that, but the results are still addictively edible. No-one’s going to give us jobs in a sushi restaurant any time soon, but I tell myself they have a non-uniform artisan look.

Our next stop is a cherry tree lined section of the Yodo River, where we set out on our privately chartered sake- and squid-swallowing cruise.

Sitting on cushions on the front deck of Ofune Camome’s small motorised boat, we sample three versions of Japan’s potent national drink as we make our way past the gilded 16th century Osaka Castle and turn into the Dotonbori Canal.

Discovering the super-salty dried squid and sardines strung up over the sake table provide a delicious accompaniment to the rice wine, we pass beneath a highway bridge, entering what feels like a hidden urban underworld.

Lined with modern buildings sandwiching the odd traditional wooden home and store, the canal can’t compete with Venice’s in the beauty stakes, but has an edgier vibe – and an ending that’s purely electric.

Arriving in Dotonbori, the city’s gastronomic and entertainment hub, we are bombarded with neon-lit billboards trying to see us goodness knows what. I feel like I’m floating in a Japanese Times Square.

Back on dry land, we wind our way past the mechanical crabs and giant octopus balls designed us to tempt us into restaurants, stopping to queue for local delicacies such okonomiyaki which, with its pancake-like base and savoury toppings, is often referred to as Japanese pizza.

Walking back to the W Osaka hotel, our digs for the night, we settle in for a 10-course feast at Teppanyaki MYDO, where groups of guests gather around what are essentially their private chefs. I marvel as the young woman behind the grill transforms sizzling scallops, sirloin slices, lobster tails and seasonal local vegetables into fine-dining takes on local street eats.

The gooey gluten-free mochi (rice…