Restaurant Review: Seitan’s Realm – Columbus Underground

Seitan’s Realm started as a food truck project that branched into a brick-and-mortar in Clintonville. And while phonetic cousin Satan’s Realm might be associated with animal sacrifices, no such nonsense is present at Seitan’s Realm. In fact no animals are present at all…well, with the exception of the ram heads on the logo.* Seitan’s Realm is not just plant-centered cuisine, its menu is vegan: no milk, no eggs, no animal products whatsoever.   

Philosophically, there are basically two ways to enter into the Columbus vegan market. One way is to work with vegetables in natural forms; to celebrate the glory of roots and fruits and leaves and grain: no impersonations, no disguises. Little Eater’s stops were good examples of this (and it still has pop-ups). The other approach to vegan cooking is to leverage plant-based ingredients to craft familiar, comforting impersonations of animal-based foods, like burgers and nuggets. Seitan’s Realm is firmly in the comfort foods camp. 

And while seitan is on the menu (we’ll get to that), the starting point has to be the house Jalapeño Poppers ($15). They offer the traditional foundation of breaded jalapeños, stuffed with plant-based cheddar and cream cheese substitutes with plant-based bacon. Is it exactly like traditional poppers? Nope. Is it still crazy good? Heck yes! The crunchy-covered jalapeños have a pop, and the cheese and bacon substitutes offer up the requisite creamy saltiness that makes it all crave-worthy. Plus, the house adds a zingy horsey sauce, which keeps palate exhaustion from setting in as you work your way through the order. 

The establishment’s namesake seitan comes into play in the the Buffalo Wingz ($12). More rounded than conventional versions, the meat substitute is not particularly chickeny, but it makes a good host for the classic sauce and ranch, and the two condiments carry the wings. 

Seitan’s Realm describes itself as a deli, and a good portion of the menu is dedicated to its deli options. The Classic ($8) features a welcome return of the horsey sauce, with classic, thinly-sliced roast “beeef,” served on a sesame seed bun. Although it’s got the right color, you won’t think the “beeef” is roast beef. But it doesn’t need to be indistinguishable from cow to achieve its mission. Come to think of it, some animal-based deli meat is so processed, it doesn’t really resemble beef much either. The “beeef” is piled high, resulting in something that ultimately feels like a pleasant sandwich experience, even if the meat element is undetermined.

The Italian Stallion ($12) is another take on a deli classic, this time, with house-made pepperoni and ham, along with lettuce, tomato, banana peppers, mozzarella “cheeze” and Italian dressing, served on a hoagie roll. There’s a lot going on in this one, and the traditional vegetable elements add a great deal of appeal. Plus, the pepperoni is unique, made in house and charming in its own savory right. 

Dessert options present the choice between good and evil with the Devil’s Cup and Angel Cup. You can even pit them against each other, you know: For an epic battle between good and evil. While the chocolate in the Devil’s Cup seems like an unfair advantage, the Angel Cup ($8) is a perfectly capable competitor with layers of white cake, vanilla pudding, strawberries and whipped cream. Pudding is a secret weapon in any dessert, and it really does make the combo special. 

At base, Seitan’s Realm is an irreverent and comfy spot, with walls bedecked with campy horror movie posters and enough faux religious artifacts to offend every faithful sensibility (probably including Satanism). It’s all tongue-in-cheek; explorers of all sorts will feel most welcome. It’s located at 3496 N. High St.

For more information, visit seitansrealm.com.

* Which, as a little googling points out, is not so much an animal head, but the head of a mythical Satanic creature Baphomet; it has a human body.

All photos by Susan Post