You’re Nuts: Which Winter Olympic sport would you most like to see Brutus compete in?

Everybody knows that one of the best parts of being a sports fan is debating and dissecting the most (and least) important questions in the sporting world with your friends. So, we’re bringing that to the pages of LGHL with our favorite head-to-head column: You’re Nuts.

In You’re Nuts, two LGHL staff members will take differing sides of one question and argue their opinions passionately. Then, in the end, it’s up to you to determine who’s right and who’s nuts.

Today’s Question: Which Winter Olympic sport would you most like to see Brutus compete in?

Context: Last June, Jami and Matt did this exact same, ridiculous enterprise for the Summer Games. Matt won that matchup, it’s up to you if he gets his second gold medal.

Jami’s Take: Curling

With my sincerest apologies to the figure skaters, skiers, and hockey players of the world, it is known fact that curling is the superior sport at the Winter Olympics. Naturally, it is also the sport I would most like to see Brutus compete in.

It’s not just Brutus would make for a very entertaining curler. After all, I love Brutus, so I really want to set him up for success here. But the Winter Olympics would likely pose a good number of challenges for my lil nut due to the size of his head. I assume it would be hard to snowboard or pull off a triple salchow when you’re that top-heavy.

Sports like ice luge would also be a problem because he might genuinely get stuck on the run. Speed skating? Might tip over.

But curling? This is where Brutus could really shine.

For those of you who have been missing out on the greatest of all sports, curling is basically glorified shuffleboard, but the participants are ice skating instead of standing in the basement of a Columbus dive bar.

Curlers glide large stones across the ice, attempting to hit targets to score points, and their teammates use curling brushes (things that resemble swiffers) to sweep the stones, affecting their speed to help them reach their target.

Also, curling teams famously wear awesomely ridiculous pants.

In general, curling is a game of strategy. It requires agility, coordination and strength, and while it does also require balance, it does so to a different degree than, say, speed skating. But it also requires an innate ability to be a supportive teammate and stay calm under pressure.

If you’ve ever seen Brutus do pushups while hoisted in the air on a plank, you know he checks the coordination and strength boxes. And while his head might throw off his center of gravity slightly, it shouldn’t affect the balance he would need for curling, nor does it affect his agility in any tremendous way.

Additionally, Brutus’ role as a mascot means he excels at being a supportive teammate. His entire purpose on most days is to hype up the crowd and support the players on the field, so he would be a net gain on this front for any team lucky enough to have him.

We’ve also seen him stay calm and continue to cheer his team on under pressure or in high-stakes games. Did you see him during the Rose Bowl? That game was stressful as heck, but our guy Brutus was unfazed. That’s exactly the kind of level-headedness you’d want on a curling team.

None of this even gets into the entertainment value. Curling, at baseline, is extremely fun to watch. I have seen people who are adamantly not sports fans become worked up over curling, going so far as to yell at the screen and throw things. During March 2020, my roommate and I attempted at-home curling with various household items and swiffers down our long hallway. Watching Brutus partake in this nonsense would take the entertainment to a whole new level.

Plus, there’s no denying my man Brutus would look really great in some silly scarlet and gray pants.

Matt’s Take: Skeleton

With all due respect to my curling-obsessed friend and colleague, no one wants to watch curling with humans throwing the stone, let alone when it is an anthropomorphized semi-poisonous nut gliding down the ice furiously sweeping in this frozen version of shuffleboard.

The one, true answer here is skeleton. Not to be confused with the luge or bobsledding, skeleton is a one-person event (there wouldn’t be any room for other athletes, given the size of Brutus’ head), and the competitor runs and jumps on the sled head first as they race down an icy track.

There are some inherent reasons why our beloved, nutty friend would succeed here — which we will get too — but there are some scientific issues to overcome. Like in many speed-based sports, the bulbousness of Brutus’ head could become an issue. Fortunately, it is fairly round, so he will have the advantage natural aerodynamism. But, because his head is three to four times the size of the helmeted heads of his competitors, that will present additional drag that the other skeletoners won’t have to account for.

But, that big, beautiful nut head also has its advantages. For example, the Buckeye mascot’s buckeye head is known for its elasticity, a quality that Brutus exploits for the general entertainment of crowds on a regular basis by regularly hitting himself in the head in with a series of rapid-fire punches.

Given the buoyancy of his head, I can watch Brutus compete in the skeleton without the overwhelming fear that I could be watching someone speed to their death on a very creepily — and inappropriately — named skeleton.